Teeter-totter or Tightrope

I think I've definately turned some type of corner in this grieving process, but I'm not exactly sure what it is. There are three feelings that seem to create my existance.

The first is a very practical and matter of fact, the is the part of me that sees the projects in front of me, and is ready to get to work. And there is so much work to be done. My parents have/ had a big, beautiful home that we have to get ready to sell. Any home, no matter how well it was kept, can quickly fall into disarray if regular maintenance isn't kept up. And that doesn't even account for the life time accumulation of two peoples things, that now has to be sorted, some to be kept, some to be sold or donated, and some will be thrown away. Bills still have to be paid. And this is all on my parents home, none of it accounts for the responsibilities in my own life. I can usually get two or three things done on this list, until one of the other two emotions takes over.

The second is anger. For the first three weeks after her death, no matter how angry I wanted to be, I couldn't get there. Oh, sure there was an occasional angry outburst, mostly brought on by feeling helpless. (Helpless is an emotion I don't do well. ) I think the shock was still too great. It covered everything, and kept me relatively numb. But last week, the shock started to lift, and I began to be very angry. Not all the time, but often. Basically, I have no patience. I am swearing a lot. And I'm not very careful about who is around. I'm pretty sure I've offended a few strangers, and I know I will pay for it when I need to explain just because mommy said something doesn't make it o-kay. Thankfully, these spells seem to be short-lived, and I in my more rational moments, I am praying for patience and compassion, because I do not want to be come bitter. And although it would be the worst tribute to my parents, I can see how easy that would be.

Especially since the rest of my time, I am in a state of sheer exhaustion. Never in my life have I been this tired. Not when my babies were waking up every two hours, not with the deaths of my dad or my mother-in-law, and not even right after the accident occured. In a clear moment, I know that this is probably partly because it is the third death in such a short time frame. And (my siblings and I) have a lot more work this time. And I do have two small children, one of them who is no longer sleeping through the night. Oh, and I myself am not sleeping through the night. The exhaustion probably contributes to the anger as well.

I want so much to be able to stay in the practical, productive place, but now I think I need a nap.