Sleepless Nights

One of the questions people frequently ask when your going through a crisis is, "How are you sleeping?" Although most are asking it out of genuine concern, the question is so common, it almost feels like a formality-like, "how are you?" And as with most formalities, the answer is quick, vague, and maybe not entirely honest.

First of all, I don't know what the answer is supposed to be. When my dad died, we were expecting it. We sat up several nights leading up to his death, falling asleep finally, only to wake up a very short time later, because this might be it. Most of the sleeplessness occurred, at least for me, before his actual death.

The night my mom died, I remember just laying awake for several hours watching my girls sleep. At some point, I must have fallen asleep, because I recall waking up. But it was early, very early. That pattern continued for several nights until sheer exhaustion caught up, and I just fell asleep. And so that was the answer that I was able to give people.

But now, I'm back to not sleeping. And it is those long moments between putting my head on the pillow and falling asleep where I start to really think about what happened. I don't want to think about what happened because none of it makes any sense. My mom was the most cautious driver in the world. She never sped. And she didn't apply make-up or answer her cell phone while her car was moving. So, I have a hard time processing how she was in a fatal accident.

And then I start to think about other things, like what she saw and what she felt. Was her death really instantaneous? Or did she suffer? Did she see it coming?

I don't think about these things during the day. Sure I miss her. I'm sad. I struggle to explain what happened to my daughter. I feel nauseous whenever I have to deal with estate business. But somehow, I can cope with these things. They are the things we have to do to move on. But at night, when I can't sleep, how do I cope with that?