It's Not Fair

Two days ago, at the age of thirty-one, I became an orphan. I suppose that is better than being orphaned at thirteen or three-after all, I'm an adult: I have my degree, I pay taxes, and a mortgage, heck, I even have two kids of my own. But somehow, that doesn't make me any less confused. Or lost. In fact, in spite of having been a fully functioning adult for several years, I've had this sobering realization that now I am completely grown-up. I'm not anyones kid anymore. And that's just not fair.

I spent most of the first hour, after I found out, walking in circles around my house, muttering those words. Two years ago, I lost my dad to cancer. We knew it was coming, we were prepared, and we were able to be with him, even as he took his last breath. As awful as it was, I still count that as one of the most beautiful and profound experiences of my life.

As my dad was in his last few months of life, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Fourteen months after the death of my dad, my husband's mother passed away. Once again, we knew it was coming, we were prepared, and we were able to be with her as she took her last breaths. Although it was different than my father's death, it was still such a peaceful experience.

Her death, also brought with it a sense of relief. (If you have never been around a terminally ill person, that may sound so callous, but dying take all so much energy, not just for the person doing it, but for everyone around.) After two full years consumed with death, we could finally move on. I firmly believed that we had been through so much, that we were safe for at least a few years. God couldn't possibly bring more tragedy to our family. So, imagine how shocked I was to receive a phone call from my sister, just thirteen months later, to hear that my mom had been killed in a car accident. How could this possibly be happening again?

It's not fair! The phrase continues to echo in my head. But even as it echoes, so does my mom's standard reply, "You're right life is not fair, and YOU don't want it to be." I used to hate it when she'd say that, but she was so right. In fact, I heard myself saying it to my three-year-old just last week. I don't want life to be fair (and neither does anyone else, if they're honest). And until this happened, I don't think I've whined about the innate unfairness of life since I was in elementary school. I'm still very confused, I'm very sad, and I'm (finally) starting to get a little angry. But I have been blessed. I am so thankful for the years God gave me with such wise, compassionate amazing parents. And to some people, that's not fair, but even if I could, I wouldn't trade.